We didn’t think dating could get any faster than speed dating, but with the introduction of apps like Grindr and Tinder, being single (and ready to mingle) was never so easy. For those of you who are unenthused by the notion of a dating app, or think you have no need for them, read on. They are more interesting than you think.
Self-described as a “location-based social discovery app that facilitates communication between mutually interested users”, Tinder is envisioned as being used by giggling girls huddled together in an office, or for men bored on their morning commute to work (and vice-versa). No one ever announced during the toasts at their wedding that they met through Tinder. We, power hungry and judgmental, just want to “like” or “lump” consciously posed profile pictures to pass the time spent sandwiched between the armpits of two sweaty businessmen on the way home.
As we all know, the internet is often slightly misleading, and we can all admit to honing the craft of taking a picture that advertises all of our (sometimes amplified) charms. As the saying goes ‘no one looks as bad as their passport photo, or as good as their profile picture’.
From quickly scrolling through Tinder there definitely seems to be a few popular trends amongst the sea of faces (there isn’t any other way to do it other than flicking frivolously through the swarm of men and women until someone catches your eye). It is hard to imagine that anyone could think a perfectly positioned mirror shot in ones toilet is alluring, but no judgment of course; it is the internet after all.
The first trend to be seen (probably first in welcoming you to the app) is the holiday snap; seen online as the modern equivalent to getting your friends over for a slideshow, yet similarly painfully executed. As with any online persona, we have the urge to show only the best of ourselves, who knows who might see it; a future partner or competitive colleague, perchance. It’s only too tempting to post pictures of you sunning it up while everyone else is wearing thermals and cradling a cuppa soup at work. Two words: show off. ‘Single male looking for female with beachy hair, slag tag or belly button piercing (both, preferred) and a desire to sleep with someone who takes any opportunity to flash their abs at a party’, the lonely hearts ad would read, if the art of putting pen to paper was more commonplace than using a block of electricity to convey ones utmost thoughts.
The second most noticeable trend is inextricably associated with the first, as the two are almost always interlinked. There is no point in going on holiday if you don’t have a hot bod to show in your skimpy swimwear. It completes the whole look. Never have we ever seen a holiday snap of someone sweltering in a ski jumpsuit to hide all their lumps and bumps, unless, like Nigella you don the burkini in an effort to preserve your porcelain skin, or modesty.
Think of the pain, hard work and discipline of going to a legs, bums and tums class, as you mutter “strong not skinny!” to yourself. They have earned the right to show off, surely? No, these are the sort of people who shoot daggers at you across the road from Wholefoods as you sip on a full fat Frappuccino. Someone definitely in need of another “guilt tripper” to complete their circle of trust.
Bound to attract ardent approval on Tinder is the added prop of afurry friend. Melt girls’ hearts with a picture of you cuddling a puppy. Or even better, offer to babysit a niece or nephew; show that you can rear children effortlessly while still maintaining your trout pout. The sort of person who vets possible dates according to whether or not their pet Chihuahua approves are advocators of this trend, alongside girls with cat faces drawn on, possibly surrounded by the odd emoticon. The epitome of kawaii, a Japanese term coined to describe the level of cuteness forcibly imposed on us. There is only one way to explain this trend and that is these girls clearly don’t have any pets at hand and so thought they’d make themselves irresistible by turning into a feline with the help of a kohl eyeliner pencil (or sharpie for those looking for a more permanent solution; no Tinder induced tattoos noted as of yet). Despite the only rational explanation one can provide, we still don’t get the appeal. Ownership of a micro pig or hello kitty backpack is essential when trying to woo in this situation.
If you continue to seek approval, pictures of you in a dark nightclub clutching an oversized bottle of Belvedere on “Mahiki Monday” are surely going to make you the most eligible bachelor in all of Mayfair, if not London. This trend is reserved only for the very elite (or friends of whomever can afford a terribly undrinkable ten pints of vodka). Candidates who proudly sport a cleavage aided with a pair of chicken fillets, a foundation stripe across their jaw and own a wardrobe full of body-con dresses need only apply.
Sound appealing? Yes siree! Anyone willing to meet the dating requirements need only sign up. I am on tenterhooks awaiting the arrival of the first Tinder wedding invitations.